The Mix – 8/30
The week begins and away we go …
Even I don’t take this long to change my Sox: Manny Ramirez left Boston in 2008, and joins the Sox of a different color today in an effort to lift Chicago’s sagging playoff hopes and his sagging legacy.
Clearly, it’s a slow sports day if we’re chatting about basketball that doesn’t even count: Two Kevin’s (Durant and Love) combined for 32 points and 11 boards to help the United States globetrotters defeat the Slovenian generals by 22 in basketball world championship, which is somehow way less of a world championship than the United States championship … or something.
And Speaking of United States championships … : Did you know the U.S. Open begins today? Can anyone remember the last time American tennis mattered? Probably the last time the American economy mattered. Must have been during the Clinton administration, right?
Welcome to Gossip Sports. Let’s get this party started.
Sports DVD Watch: Just Wright – A sorta critical look
Generally speaking, my airplane flight ritual goes as follows.
1. Get bombed in the airport by drinking five or six pilsners.
2. Drop 5mg of Xanax.
3. Fire up the iPod.
4. Slip into a coma to the dulcet tones of music drown out by crying children.
However, the kind captain, prior to informing me I could now turn on all approved electronic devices (namely, my iPod, which I use as escapist entertainment to distract me from the paranoia that HOLY CRAP I COULD SLAM INTO THE SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN AT ANY MOMENT), detailed that this evening’s in-flight movie would be “Just Wright.” Mmmm … Common and Queen Latifah in a romantic basketball comedy. Color me mildly curious.
Though the idea of the rapper-turned-actor has generally been beaten-to-death with often comical results, (we’re looking at you, T.I., Chris Brown, DMX and the rest of the entire cast of Takers), the Queen has ranked right up there with Will Smith as one of the very best. And, of course, if you don’t think Common is smoove-with-a-V, then you clearly haven’t lit some candles, plugged in “Like Water for Chocolate” and set the mood in a while. That’s on you, Romeo.
Just Wright unfolds just as you think it should. It’s a paint-by-numbers romantic comedy with juuuust enough gratuitous basketball action (a Dwayne Wade cameo!) to satisfy my alpha-male side.
The Queen brings her A-game, per usual, as the amiable female lead. I enjoy her in nearly everything she does, but that’s not to say she rescues pictures from rampant mediocrity. Don’t confuse the two. Simply put: she plays herself, and herself is sweet enough to spike my insulin count.
Of course, Latifah’s character only gets her shot at snatching the Big Fish (Common’s character as a start for – of all teams – the New Jersey Nets) because his current trophy wife is scared off by his potentially career-ending injury. Once again, kids, it doesn’t pay to be shallow.
Common is more than adequate as an NBA player, but fails to exhibit some of the complexities a professional athlete should carry with him. That’s more on the writers than the actor, but he could have sold his idiosyncrasies a little harder.
It’s 90 minutes of ooey-gooey goodness, with no real surprises, no real twists and turns.
To compare it to a flight, it’s a short jaunt from New York to Atlanta in first class. Smooth takeoff, smooth landing, no turbulence. Not particularly memorable, but certainly quite comfortable.
Top 10 Comebacks Fantasy Football Players Can Say to Dungeons-n-Dragons Nerds
10. Last week, your opponent was Dalthazaar the Skeleton King and he took your Elvin Shield. Mine was Doug from accounting and he brought Chex Mix.
9. I play every week from the comfort of my living room La-Z-Boy. You play in your mother’s basement on a TV tray next to a water heater.
8. My game lowers the chance I’ll have sex on Sundays. Your game lowers the chance you’ll have sex with the living.
7. My commissioner, Steve, picks up single ladies from the bowling alley Tuesday nights. Your mom introduced you to Steve, who she met at the bowling alley last Tuesday night.
6. Thanks to the Internet, you can now connect with other D&D fanatics without ever having to go out in public. Thanks to the Internet, you all no longer go out in public.
5. My biggest fear is a season-ending knee injury to my starting running back. Your biggest fear is that Steve really will “make you wear your pasty white ass as a hat.”
4. I *might* never win my league. You *will* never be a wizard.
3. My season keeps me out of current events for five months out of the year. Your never-ending fantasy role playing has left you with a severe vitamin-D deficiency.
2. I play for money and one person wins. You play for virginity and everybody wins.
1. Fantasy Football is sponsored by every major beer company, restaurant chain and the NFL itself – and it’s enjoyed by the athletes, the very heroes of the game. All while fostering fun, competition and good will among the millions of participants. Your game could be sponsored by Funyuns and Clearasil and… well, we beat you up in high school.
College Football Tailbacks: They can run, but they can’t drive. Again.
UGA running back Washaun Ealey was arrested for hit-and-run and driving with a suspended license, after smacking a parked truck in the wee hours of the morning. I’m sure the boosters paid his bail bond, and for a new truck.
Did Hurricane Katrina actually save the Saints?
File this one under “Anniversaries not worth celebrating.”
Five years ago, Hurricane Katrina smacked New Orleans into a sudden state of disrepair, but the hometown team is the reigning Super Bowl Champions. Whoa.
Jeff Duncan of the Times-Picayune proposes “no other conclusion is possible” that the storm was, in fact, the greatest thing ever to happen to the once ain’t-worthy franchise.
The Saints had been mired in mediocrity for years (and, for many years before that, had been slightly south of competitive) pre-K.
However, here’s a look at what’s happened since as a result of the devestating storm:
- The Superdome was completely renovated using exclusively Federal money. (In other words, it was free.)
- The chaos-filled 3-13 season following the storm cost head coach Jim Haslett and many others their jobs, making wholesale changes possible, including drafting Reggie Bush.
- Those wholesale changes included Sean Payton and Drew Brees coming aboard.
- Fans and businesses, as well as the national media, rallied around the Saints, providing an influx of taxpayer/ticket-holder money. The value of the Saints increased by 25% over the past five years.
It’s an interesting take, and one that’s surely going to create some controversy given the sensitive nature of the subject and the hardships created in other parts of the city. Ask Spike Lee.
But, there’s no arguing with the results. The Saints became the new “America’s team,” and open the season as favorites once again.
Sometimes the hardest winds are needed to be the winds of change.
Golf Courses, surprisingly eco-friendly. Take that, hippies.
An influential land developer in Austin, Texas will not stop until he’s completed his mission of building a series of golf courses to promote ‘bio-diversity.’ Is he right? Researchers in Sweden say ‘aye, sir.’
A majority of golf courses have been shown to have similar (or better) biodiversity to preserves, state parks and forests. Think about that next time your tee shot slices OOB. Gives new meaning to the term ‘endangered species.’ [Freakonomics]
The Little League World Series Drinking Game!
Ever wish there was some way you could make the LLWS exciting? Like, even remotely?
Well, we heard you. Now you can really join in the fun of the Little League World Series even if your wee warriors aren’t headed to Williamsport. It’s easy, just make a card using the following tournament mainstays, and each time you see one, follow the instructions set forth. First one to pray to the porcelain god is the loser!
- Coach squeezes 3rd-baseman’s shoulder a little too firmly while telling him to shake off that error and “just have fun out there.” (Drink once.)
- “Thirteen-year-old” Venezuelan pitcher with five o’clock shadow, size 17 cleats and calves like carved redwoods. (Drink twice.)
- A strikeout swinging followed by the ol’ self-inflicted bat to the helmet. (Finish your beer.)
- The smiling, rosy cheeks when it pays to be the husky kid after a walk-off home run. (Don’t drink. Eat another slice of Pizza, ya fat slob.)
- Early-onset acne. (Drink once)
- The quiet, stoic faces of Taiwan in victory. (Find Tsingtao and chug that.)
-The quiet, stoic faces of Taiwan in defeat. (Drink once.)
- An irate stomping down to first after taking a 35mph curveball on the hip. (Drink twice.)
- The twinkle of vicarious achievement in a Texas father’s eyes. (Shotgun a Budweiser)
- Moms in facepaint crying. (Drink once if she’s a MILF. Take a shot and finish your beer if she’s not. Because, hopefully, she will be thereafter.)
- The four-and-a-half-foot Japanese pitcher who throws a 97 mph screwball. (Drink after each strike.)
- A LLWS umpire (working the other 50 weeks out of the year at a small-town pet daycare) receiving the benefits from Team Omaha’s coach (and federal prison warden) as he advises him to call the game with his eyes and not his “pansy, pencil-neck fairy senses.” (Finish your beer if you can hear this or any variant.)
- Enough children’s tears to summon the Dark Lord to Earth realm. (Scream ‘There’s no crying in baseball’ into the television, then finish your beer.)
- The first base coach and “dugout manager” sucking down a Pall Mall between innings behind the fence. (Take a double-shot of whiskey, and light up a Pall Mall yourself.)
- A collection of TPX and Easton bats that could pay for at least 20 college tuitions. (Drink once.)
- 174 balks in 12 games. (Drink once for each Balk.)
- The wholesome, un-jaded spirit of the game and love of friendly competition, played for fun an NOT profit or commercialism… brought to you
by Frosted Flakes! (Drink Bud Light. Here we go.)
The Mix – 8/27
All the important stuff, thrown in a blender …
Ah, to be young and wild and free and still have all your ligaments readily at your disposal: Now that Stephen Strasburg appears headed for Tommy John Surgery, Washington Baseball can buy real-estate in the ‘comically cursed’ gated community next to Chicago baseball.
Why does divorce cost so much? Because it’s worth it: 24 measly hours after making his divorce with supernanny Elin final, Woods storms the Barclays with a 65 to tie for the lead. Let this be a lesson, boys, women will mess with your fragile minds if you’re not careful.
One man can do it all, but still not do it all: Albert Pujols cracks No. 400 last night, and still can’t save the Cards from getting wiped out by the Nats. Although Albert Pujols is, in fact, a genetically engineered mechanical masterpiece unleashed onto an unsuspecting world by the Dominican government … well, yeah, I can’t follow that with anything. But, whatever, the Cardinals. Nice work.
No word yet on if they’ll be selling jury-level box seats for $450: Roger Clemens is slated to be arraigned on Monday for … what, exactly … being an insufferable prick?
And yet, when you get canned, you collect unemployment for six months and drink 40′s on your porch with your homieez: Danny Ferry, fresh off being shown (and kicked out) the door in Cleveland, stumbles all the way down to VP of Basketball Ops for the San Antonio Spurs. To go back home to one of the best run organizations in sports? Lucky.
Why Johnny Damon Snubbed the Sox
Why did Johnny Damon really choose to stay in Detroit – to keep Boston fans from being suspicious of what he does on Sundays. After all, who do Bostonians hate almost as much as the Yankees? Read More
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